Saturday, January 29, 2011

Forward to my printed journal

(I am posting this on my blog because it really is part of my journal.
It is totally out of order so some of the information is repeated.)

My Journey actually began some months sooner than July 1, 2008. The reason that date is chosen is because I did not have insurance and on July 1st I would be on Medicare. I never in my life thought that I would want to turn 65 so quickly. I did go to my doctor a couple of times but I did not pursue the issue because I did not have the money.

No one knew that I had a problem because I kept it to myself. Over Memorial Day I went to Kansas City to see my aunt Mickie who was dieing from lung cancer. (She died in August 2008.) I knew that my chance of making it back for her funeral was not in my future. Besides I would rather see her alive and have a chance to talk with her. My aunt Johanna, cousin Betty and myself went out for pie and coffee one evening before I came back to Colorado. It was at that time I told them that something was wrong but I would not know anything until July. That is all that I told them and that I would let them know when I saw the doctor. Once I knew my diagnosis Johanna (my aunt) and Marci (Mickie’s daughter) took aunt Mickie out to dinner and told her that I had cancer. I called her the next day and we talked every week and sometimes more often until she died. She gave her children orders that if I called they were to wake her up so she could talk to me.

Several weeks before my doctor’s appointment I finally told Rebecca because I needed someone I could talk to who would not tell everyone. I just did not want it to become an issue until I knew something. I did not even tell my pastor because I am of the ‘old school’ where you just don’t talk about female problems with a man unless he is your doctor.

I was still working for Myrlyn at that time and I called and cancelled two Sunday nights in a row. I didn’t call Laurie, who I talked to everyday. Instead I called another person to fill in for me and she called Laurie. The whole idea of me not showing up for my shift was unheard of. Laurie called, “Okay what is going on?” So I told her that I had a problem and would not know anything until I saw the doctor on the 1st. I did not want to tell Laurie because she had enough going on in her life and she did not need one more thing to worry about. I also did not have the courage to tell Myrlyn when I was diagnosed – I let Laurie do it. Big mistake on my part!!

I am a very private person and this journal was very difficult to write. I started it and then decided not to do it so I deleted it. Then in October of 2008, I decided that it was the only way I could keep up with what was going on. I started the journal for myself and eventually many people were reading it. As you start to read you will notice that all I give are facts. That is the way that I am. Then as it goes along I start slowly inserting some of my feelings and beliefs and my knowledge that God will take care of me no matter the outcome.

At this point the blog continues to grow and it is difficult for a new person to start reading it because it is reverse chronological order. And, there are many people that do not have computers and they want to read my blog. Thus I have decided to print it off. Just a funny little story - One Sunday at church I walked past this young woman and just as I did I glanced over her shoulder. What caught my eye was that it was my posting from that week. I said, “That is my blog”, she said yes, and told me who had printed it for her. I had no idea that I was making such an effect on people.

My doctors have assured me that getting in a couple of months earlier would not have changed my diagnosis or the outcome of the journey I was about to take.

The first five pages of this printing are pictures and quotes that are on the side bar of my blog. I wanted to keep them as part of my memories when I printed my blog.

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