As I continue on this journey.

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”
~Hebrews 6:19a (NIV)

As my cousin pointed out on her husband's blog, "Sometimes we sugar-coat what is really going on in our lives - those of us with cancer." She is correct, sometimes we do. It is not always easy to face the daily realities of our future when cancer is always at the forefront of our minds. We often do not realize how it affects, not just ourselves, but all those that we love. I found this Hospice web site that has put into words some of my true feelings. I did not copy all of it just those parts that spoke to me.

Acknowledge You Are Dying
Acknowledging you are dying is the first step to living the rest of your life. If the onset of your illness was sudden or unexpected, you will likely feel shock and numbness at first. This is a natural and necessary response to painful news.

You can only cope with this new reality in doses. You will first come to understand it with your head, and only over time will you come to understand it with your heart.

To acknowledge you are dying is to let go of the future. It is to live only in the present. There is no easy way to do this, and you will probably struggle with this task every day until you die. Know that if you work at acknowledging the reality of your coming death, however, instead of denying it, you will open your heart and mind to the possibility of a new, rich way of living.

Accept Your Response to the Illness
Each person responds to news of terminal illness in his or her unique way. You, too, will have your own response, be it fear, excitement, anger, loss, grief, denial, hope or any combination of emotions.

Becoming aware of how you respond right now is to discover how you will live with your terminal illness. Don’t let others prescribe how you feel; find people who encourage you to teach them how you feel. After all, there is no right or wrong way for you to think and feel.

Respect Your Own Need For Talk, For Silence
You may find that you don’t want to talk about your illness at all. Or you may find that you want to talk about it with some people, but not with others. In general, open and honest communications is a good idea. When you make your thoughts and feelings known, you are more likely to receive the kind of care and companionship you feel will be most helpful to you.

But if you don’t want to talk about your illness, don’t force yourself. Perhaps you will be able to open up more later on, after you have lived with the reality of your illness for a time.

Be an Active Participant in Your Medical Care
Many people are taught as “patients” to be passive recipients of the care provided by medical experts. But don’t forget this - this is your body; your life. Don’t fail to ask questions that are important to your emotional and physical well-being out of fear that you will be “taking up someone’s time.”

Learn about your illness. Visit your local library and consult the medical reference books. Request information from educational associations, such as the National Cancer Institute or the American Heart Association. Ask your doctor, nurses and other caregivers whenever you have a question.

If you educate yourself about the illness and its probable course, you will better understand what is happening to you. You will be better equipped to advocate for personalized, compassionate care. You may not be in control of your illness, but you can and should be in control of your care.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits
Your illness will almost surely leave you feeling fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get enough rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.

Source: https://hospicenet.org/html/help_yourself.html

'Stop and smell the roses'

I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone

Thank You Jolene, you are a dear friend

God Are You Real?

The child whispered, "God, speak to me."
A meadowlark sang, but the child did not hear.
So the child yelled, "God, speak to me!"
And thunder rolled across the sky, but the child did not listen.

The child looked around and said, "God let me see you."
A star shone brightly, but the child did not notice
And the child shouted, "God show me a miracle!"
And a life was born, but the child did not know.

So the child cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are here!"
Whereupon God reached down and touched the child.
But the child brushed the butterfly away and walked away unknowingly.

Author Unknown

"Patience is the art of caring slowly."
~ John Ciardi

The Color of Cancer Awareness

Trip to Seaside Oregon

This vacation has been planned for several months and the week before, of course, I was sick. Lost my voice completely because of a sore throat and sinus infection. I was able to go but did not feel the best while gone, however I enjoyed every minute of it. My friends were very understanding and I enjoyed spending time with them.

The oregon coast was unlike any that I have seen before, not that I am a world traveler by any means. The beach was completely flat and you could actually watch the tide going out and coming back in. The top picture is the view from our room, it was spectacular. Perfect weather for kite flying and there were lots of them out every day. In fact, it was the first time in years that I flew a kite - what fun!

The weather was cool but not too cool. The ocean was like ice water. We all got caught by the waves at one time or another. One night after dark, low tide, we walked out to the waters edge. I could not believe how far we were from the condo. It was kind of erie but it was breathtaking and loads of fun.

It took me a week to recover from the trip as I am sure it does most people. Health wise I am finally feeling better.

"Our days on earth are like a shadow." 1 Chronicles 29:15

A friend who cares

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair of confusion, who can stay with us in our hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

Call from Oncology office

It is the unwelcome surprises in life that trip us up and cause us pain. But God never misses an opportunity to pick us up and help us learn and grow from life's interruptions. ~from "God Things Come in Small Packages"

Each time the oncology department calls it is about my treatment or lack of treatment. And, each time they call it leaves me upset, frustrated and second guessing myself. Yesterday they called and had another option for me since my breast cancer is Estrogen receptor positive. She was talking about a pill that has fewer side effects and would not be as harsh as chemo therapy and radiation. I finally asked if it was Tamoxifen and she said yes, that or something similar to it. I know enough about it to know the side effects: serious side effects of tamoxifen are blood clots, strokes, uterine cancer (don't have to worry about this one anymore), and cataracts. Other side effects include menopause-like symptoms such as hot flashes, vaginal dryness, joint pain and leg cramps. Since I already suffer from about five of these symptoms, the first major one being blood clots, does this really sound like something that I want to risk?

All of the doctors have been telling me for the past year that we needed to wait on the breast cancer and concentrate on the endometrial cancer. It was slow growing and we could take care of it later. I guess my question is, "Why didn't they suggest Tamoxifen a year ago?" I might have considered it at that time, or would the side-effects been to risky then along with the chemo? But never at any time was this suggested until now.

I asked the PA what difference it would really make whether or not I took the Tamoxifen and she had to agree with me that it wouldn't make any difference in my outcome because of the spread of the endometrial cancer. She said that they felt they needed to offer me some options. I know they are just doing their job but the position that I have taken on treatment takes a lot of courage and I am not sure that they understand.

I would pray that this could be a peaceful journey. Dear God, please give me the strength and courage to face each new day with joy in my heart.

I have many friends and family fighting their own battles with health right now and they need prayer as well.

Breast Surgery

I did have my breast surgery on August 28th as planned. I cannot believe that I was allergic to the tape or to the stuff they stuck the tape on with - it was a real sticky consistency. I thought I was going to pull skin off with bandage or that I might never get it off. Finally, it came off after several days and the rash lasted several more days after that. Since the doctor put in dissolvable stitches the discharge orders said to let the steri-strips come off gradually keeping them trimmed. I have had these before and never had a problem. Believe it or not they would not come off. More than a week after the surgery I woke up itching and had a horrible rash from steri-strips. I tried every kind of greasy ointment to get them to come loose - nothing but the very edges of just some of them would loosen. A friend told me to use olive oil - no it didn't work either, however it did stop the itching - go figure. I knew that the incision had to be healed so, last night, I ripped them off one-by-one. Yes, I have another rash to deal with.

I had a follow-up appointment for Wednesday (tomorrow) but it has now been cancelled. The doctor just called with the results and we talked on the phone. When he removed the mass (left because of the needle biopsy) he said that he was able to remove the majority of the cancer but that the margins are not clear. The tentacles of the cancer are still in the breast. My option is a mastectomy, chemo and/or radiation. If I want the mastectomy we would go ahead and schedule it. If I want chemo and/or radiation that I needed to talk with my oncologist.

I think they are all aware that as long as the cancer is in my lymphatic system and my liver that I only had the lump removed because it was so painful. I plan on standing by my earlier decisions about no additional treatment.