A friend who cares

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair of confusion, who can stay with us in our hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

Call from Oncology office

It is the unwelcome surprises in life that trip us up and cause us pain. But God never misses an opportunity to pick us up and help us learn and grow from life's interruptions. ~from "God Things Come in Small Packages"

Each time the oncology department calls it is about my treatment or lack of treatment. And, each time they call it leaves me upset, frustrated and second guessing myself. Yesterday they called and had another option for me since my breast cancer is Estrogen receptor positive. She was talking about a pill that has fewer side effects and would not be as harsh as chemo therapy and radiation. I finally asked if it was Tamoxifen and she said yes, that or something similar to it. I know enough about it to know the side effects: serious side effects of tamoxifen are blood clots, strokes, uterine cancer (don't have to worry about this one anymore), and cataracts. Other side effects include menopause-like symptoms such as hot flashes, vaginal dryness, joint pain and leg cramps. Since I already suffer from about five of these symptoms, the first major one being blood clots, does this really sound like something that I want to risk?

All of the doctors have been telling me for the past year that we needed to wait on the breast cancer and concentrate on the endometrial cancer. It was slow growing and we could take care of it later. I guess my question is, "Why didn't they suggest Tamoxifen a year ago?" I might have considered it at that time, or would the side-effects been to risky then along with the chemo? But never at any time was this suggested until now.

I asked the PA what difference it would really make whether or not I took the Tamoxifen and she had to agree with me that it wouldn't make any difference in my outcome because of the spread of the endometrial cancer. She said that they felt they needed to offer me some options. I know they are just doing their job but the position that I have taken on treatment takes a lot of courage and I am not sure that they understand.

I would pray that this could be a peaceful journey. Dear God, please give me the strength and courage to face each new day with joy in my heart.

I have many friends and family fighting their own battles with health right now and they need prayer as well.

Breast Surgery

I did have my breast surgery on August 28th as planned. I cannot believe that I was allergic to the tape or to the stuff they stuck the tape on with - it was a real sticky consistency. I thought I was going to pull skin off with bandage or that I might never get it off. Finally, it came off after several days and the rash lasted several more days after that. Since the doctor put in dissolvable stitches the discharge orders said to let the steri-strips come off gradually keeping them trimmed. I have had these before and never had a problem. Believe it or not they would not come off. More than a week after the surgery I woke up itching and had a horrible rash from steri-strips. I tried every kind of greasy ointment to get them to come loose - nothing but the very edges of just some of them would loosen. A friend told me to use olive oil - no it didn't work either, however it did stop the itching - go figure. I knew that the incision had to be healed so, last night, I ripped them off one-by-one. Yes, I have another rash to deal with.

I had a follow-up appointment for Wednesday (tomorrow) but it has now been cancelled. The doctor just called with the results and we talked on the phone. When he removed the mass (left because of the needle biopsy) he said that he was able to remove the majority of the cancer but that the margins are not clear. The tentacles of the cancer are still in the breast. My option is a mastectomy, chemo and/or radiation. If I want the mastectomy we would go ahead and schedule it. If I want chemo and/or radiation that I needed to talk with my oncologist.

I think they are all aware that as long as the cancer is in my lymphatic system and my liver that I only had the lump removed because it was so painful. I plan on standing by my earlier decisions about no additional treatment.

Facebook

I tried Facebook about a year ago and it just was not my thing. Several months ago I had a couple of invitations from cousins, so I thought about it, and decided to give it another try. But this time the only members on my Facebook would be relatives; nieces, nephews, aunt and cousins. My primary purpose for this was so that I could see pictures of all the cousins that I have lost contact with and their children and grandchildren as well. So far I have reconnected with 57 and that by no means is all of them.

This summer I was able to go on two vacations with cousins. It was such a joy to get to know their children and grandchildren. Now when I look at the pictures there is a connection. This is the real reason that I decided to do Facebook for family only. So far I love it and have enjoyed so many pictures of family members. It is better when I can put a name with the faces. Okay, so not all pictures are labeled and that is a good reminder to me - I will be going back and adding information so that you know "who is who" in the Crofford family.

The one thing that I have noticed when looking at all the pictures is that we have one beautiful family. Some of those that I knew as babies and toddlers I no longer recognize. When I was growing up, family was our social life. We lived in the country and there were many, many gatherings at our house. As in all families, some lived out of state and some moved out of state and over the years I lost touch. There were nine Burnell children and 28 first cousins. There are over 103 families and over 300 members on the web-site, but there are also a lot that are still not listed. I am in hopes that I can get everyone listed in the near future.

As I travel on life's pathway

Know not what the years may hold

As I ponder hope grows fonder

Precious memories flood my soul

Every day - something...

Last week I decided to go ahead with the lump removal from my right breast. It was caused by the needle biopsy and is getting larger, and hurting more. I saw the surgeon again and he agreed that it should be removed. Like he said, "cancer itself does not hurt." I went through my pre-op and I am scheduled for out-patient surgery on Friday, August 28th.

After everything was scheduled I started noticing a sore spot on my lip right by my nostril and realized that it was coming from the inside. By Sunday, the 23rd, I had a huge abscess on my gum that was very painful. I left a message at the dentist office and they returned my call first thing Monday morning with an opening at 10 am. She was able to lance the gum, scrape out the bacteria, flush it out, and then insert the antibiotic. She said that it would last about 14 days.

I was pretty nervous thinking that I would have to reschedule the breast surgery. The dentist said that it was so localized that it will be healed by Friday - there would be no need to postpone the surgery.

Well, when the deadening started wearing off, my gum started throbbing. I took a pain pill to lie down for a bit and completely forgot about a meeting that I had at the church at 3:30 pm. All I could do was say that I was sorry but I was in no condition to drive at that point.

"Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today." ~ Mark Twain

My Lord, Is This Your Will?

Sometimes I ask the question,
"My Lord, is this your will?"

It's then I hear you answer me,

"My Precious Child... Be still."

Sometimes I feel frustrated,
cause I think I know what's best.
It's then I hear you say to me,
"My Busy Child... Just rest."

Sometimes I feel so lonely,

and I think I'd like a mate.

Your whispering voice gets oh so clear

and says, "My Child...Please wait."

"I know the plans I have for you,

the wondrous things you'll see;

If you can just be patient, Child,

and put your trust in me.

I've plans to draw you closer.

I've plans to help you grow.
There's much I do you cannot see,
and much you do not know.

But know this, child...I LOVE YOU,

You are Precious unto Me.

Before I formed you in the womb,

I planned your destiny.

I've something very special

I hope for you to learn.

The gifts I wish to give to you

are gifts you cannot earn.

They come without a price tag,
but not without a cost;
at Calvary, I gave My Son,
so You would not be lost.

Rest Child, and do not weary

while doing what is good.

I promise I'll come back for you,

just like I said I would.

Your name is written in my palm,

I never could forget;

Therefore, do not be discouraged,

when my answer is... "Not Yet"

~author unknown

PET Scan results

On Thursday, August 6th, I had a PET scan to find out just where the cancer is going or if it is moving at all. The cancer is still progressing and is in two lymph nodes now behind the stomach at the aorta. There is a new spot showing and it is on my liver. It is assumed that it is the endometrial cancer. There is no reason to do a biopsy since I have elected not to do additional chemo, or radiation. I knew that the cancer would be on the move, it was just a matter of where it would go first. Now I know!

The breast cancer is showing more than before so that means it is progressing. It had been pretty stable until I let them do the biopsy. I did not have a lump before the biopsy but I do now. The doctor said that it would go away, however it has not and it does hurt. I will make an appointment with the general surgeon to see what can be done. I see no reason to be visibly uncomfortable just yet.

There are times when our sadness and grief overwhelm us to the point of hopelessness. But even when healing seems out of reach, God is reaching out. scooping us into his arms, speaking through claps of thunder, "I am here." (from "God Things Come in Small Packages")

SOLD

The closing on my condo yesterday, July 30th, was bittersweet. I am sad because I feel that I just closed another chapter of my life, much earlier than I would have liked. I am happy because I feel that a load has been lifted. Now I can move forward with God's direction and with whatever the future holds.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you, O God." Isaiah 26:3

Dory Lakes Vacation - July 2009

Johanna, my aunt, reserved the lodge at Dory Lake for the the week. My cousin Mary Pat and her daughter and son-in-law and their three children joined us. They took off each day and everyone went their own way. My cousin Johanna and her dad, uncle Larry were traveling through Colorado and spent a day with us.  Johanna is a common name in our family and there were five of us present at Dory Lakes. What fun we had. It was such a good time. I took Johanna, my aunt, to Mount Lindo so she could see my resting place. We had a picnic lunch and enjoyed the beauty as well as the peace and quiet.

And then one afternoon - I knew that I had a blood clot when I was rushed to Boulder to the hospital. The pain had been going on for 4-5 hours before I told anyone, but I knew what was happening. By the time I left the hospital another 4 hours later the pain had subsided. I was really puzzled about what was going on. You can not mistake the pain of a blood clot once you have been through one. And then, I ran across this article on Altitude Illness. It was a wonderful article about what actually happens when we change altitude. I would have never guessed that it would cause thrombophlebitis, but it actually made sense after reading the article. I caught it in time and getting to the lower altitude helped until I was told by the ER to use moist heat packs. This is just a short sentence that caught my eye in this article. "Studies have shown that there is an increased tendency for blood to thrombose (clot) in arteries and veins at high altitude." If you would like to read more about Altitude Illness, check out the site - http://www.elbrus.org/eng1/high_altitude1.htm

There is always something funny if you look for it. When I go to Dory Lakes it is with my aunt. The last time we were at Dory Lakes was ten years ago. I was napping one afternoon and my aunt woke me and said that she need to get to the hospital. She was having numbness in her arm and her breathing was very labored. The doctor said that she needed to get to a lower altitude and stay there. So, ten years later she decided that she could probably handled it if she really paid attention to what her body was telling her. This time (ten years later) I woke her from a nap and said that I needed to get to the hospital. At the moment, of course, it was not funny, but as we looked back on it we had a good laugh. Maybe we will try it again in another ten years.

Ladybug, Ladybug

For some it was fun and for others it was not so much. This was the summer of the ladybug invasion in Jefferson County in Colorado. I live on the 15th floor and I would never have expected to have my picture window covered with ladybugs - between 25-50 at any given time, with many, many more just flying around. I found this to be a mystery and a friend started investigating and found that the ladybugs had invaded Colorado. A couple of weeks ago when I was in the mountains I noticed that the bushes were covered and the air was filled with thousands and thousands of the little good luck charms, according to folklore.

I just returned from a week in the mountains (higher altitude) and did not see any ladybugs. Not sure if they left or if it was truly limited to the Jefferson County area. You can click on this link to see a sampling of the massive amounts of Ladybugs. http//media.smh.com.au/ladybugs-invade-colorado-629437.html

I must say, however, that the wild flowers are magnificent this year. I have never seen so many varieties. I had a wonderful week with family at Dory Lakes, just the other side of Black Hawk and celebrated my birthday, on Saturday, at Georgetown with my aunt. I did have one little incident and was taken to the emergency room at Boulder. After about 4 hours it was determined that I did not have a blood clot at that time and the pain had almost subsided. After warm, moist compresses the pain finally went away. They said that I did the right thing by getting it checked out since I seem to be a high risk for blood clots (due to my episode in October).

I am feeling relatively well and I am scheduled for another PET scan on August 6th. My CA125 (blood test) two weeks ago was up to 53 which is above the normal range. In April it was 20 and an indication that it was on the rise.

It was a birthday like no other. I received well over 50 cards from my church family alone. I thank you Father for close friends who help me build a stronger character and draw me closer to you.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13