Forward to my printed journal

(I am posting this on my blog because it really is part of my journal.

It is totally out of order so some of the information is repeated.)

My Journey actually began some months sooner than July 1, 2008. The reason that date is chosen is because I did not have insurance and on July 1st I would be on Medicare. I never in my life thought that I would want to turn 65 so quickly. I did go to my doctor a couple of times but I did not pursue the issue because I did not have the money.

No one knew that I had a problem because I kept it to myself. Over Memorial Day I went to Kansas City to see my aunt Mickie who was dieing from lung cancer. (She died in August 2008.) I knew that my chance of making it back for her funeral was not in my future. Besides I would rather see her alive and have a chance to talk with her. My aunt Johanna, cousin Betty and myself went out for pie and coffee one evening before I came back to Colorado. It was at that time I told them that something was wrong but I would not know anything until July. That is all that I told them and that I would let them know when I saw the doctor. Once I knew my diagnosis Johanna (my aunt) and Marci (Mickie’s daughter) took aunt Mickie out to dinner and told her that I had cancer. I called her the next day and we talked every week and sometimes more often until she died. She gave her children orders that if I called they were to wake her up so she could talk to me.

Several weeks before my doctor’s appointment I finally told Rebecca because I needed someone I could talk to who would not tell everyone. I just did not want it to become an issue until I knew something. I did not even tell my pastor because I am of the ‘old school’ where you just don’t talk about female problems with a man unless he is your doctor.

I was still working for Myrlyn at that time and I called and cancelled two Sunday nights in a row. I didn’t call Laurie, who I talked to everyday. Instead I called another person to fill in for me and she called Laurie. The whole idea of me not showing up for my shift was unheard of. Laurie called, “Okay what is going on?” So I told her that I had a problem and would not know anything until I saw the doctor on the 1st. I did not want to tell Laurie because she had enough going on in her life and she did not need one more thing to worry about. I also did not have the courage to tell Myrlyn when I was diagnosed – I let Laurie do it. Big mistake on my part!!

I am a very private person and this journal was very difficult to write. I started it and then decided not to do it so I deleted it. Then in October of 2008, I decided that it was the only way I could keep up with what was going on. I started the journal for myself and eventually many people were reading it. As you start to read you will notice that all I give are facts. That is the way that I am. Then as it goes along I start slowly inserting some of my feelings and beliefs and my knowledge that God will take care of me no matter the outcome.

At this point the blog continues to grow and it is difficult for a new person to start reading it because it is reverse chronological order. And, there are many people that do not have computers and they want to read my blog. Thus I have decided to print it off. Just a funny little story - One Sunday at church I walked past this young woman and just as I did I glanced over her shoulder. What caught my eye was that it was my posting from that week. I said, “That is my blog”, she said yes, and told me who had printed it for her. I had no idea that I was making such an effect on people.

My doctors have assured me that getting in a couple of months earlier would not have changed my diagnosis or the outcome of the journey I was about to take.

The first five pages of this printing are pictures and quotes that are on the side bar of my blog. I wanted to keep them as part of my memories when I printed my blog.

Happy "100" Birthday Helen

There were "100" lit candles on the cake. Good thing Helen did not have to blow them out all by herself - she is a tiny little thing. Everyone at the table helped!

On Monday afternoon, Francis Heights had a birthday party for Helen’s
100^th Birthday. She is an amazing woman and is certainly spry for being 100. Helen does use a walker now after breaking her hip last year. She quit driving when she was 92 and moved to Denver from Kansas City MO where she was a nurse at Shawnee Mission Hospital in Shawnee Mission KS. I told her that I worked right down the street from her at St Joseph Hospital in the early 80’s. I doubt that she worked until she was 92 – I did not have a chance to ask. Helen’s daughter works at for Francis Heights in some capacity and that is why she brought her mom out here.

At the party, which was in Claire Villa dining room, Helen got up and went to every table to great everyone that came to celebrate her. There were no gifts that I could see, but then what would you get for someone who is 100 years old. Can you imagine all that she has seen in her lifetime? Wow!

We have another lady that lives in the building that writes for the “El Semanario” neighborhood paper and she wrote a wonderful article about Helen along with pictures.

I made her a card that simply said, “If I told you once, I have told you a 100 times”, and then on the inside just Happy Birthday Helen -  I hope she liked it.

We always talk about it being such a small world – it really is!

I pray that God blesses Helen with many more viable years.

Unconditional Love

Right before Christmas I met Laurie and some of her family at the art studio to go see “White Christmas”. I was being nosey, and looking around, like I always do at the studio, and I noticed a desk that I had not seen before. I asked Laurie where she got it and her answer was, “the trash”.  Then she asked if I would like to have it and of course I said “yes” since it was nicer than the one I had borrowed for the apartment. It has three drawers across the front. The other desk had no drawers. Seems that she was driving through a neighborhood and it was sitting at the curb. She went up to the door and asked if she could have the desk if they were throwing it away. She knew someone could use it sooner or later. She loaded it in her SUV – by herself. She was determined not to leave there without the desk. It is and old desk with some major worn spots on it but it works for my purpose and I don’t really notice them unless I am looking for them. The frame is brass and I will need to clean it up or use steel wool on the legs.

Craig and Laurie delivered the desk to me on a Saturday afternoon. When I started setting my computer, printer, and monitor on the desk, everything did not fit the way I had it before because of the way it is made in the front. Well this time I had to separate the printer and the CPU – one on each side of the monitor. Now this became a problem because “little bit” likes to lie on top of the CPU. Only thing is even though she is little the CPU is also little and it is hard for her to stay there very long. When the printer and CPU were side by side she would lay on top of the printer with her paws and head over the CPU. It looked very uncomfortable but she likes the heat from the CPU.

I had to come up with a new idea that would work for her where she could still get the heat from the CPU. I put a pillow behind the monitor for her but it was too large. Then I remembered that I had a nice mat in her carrier – it worked and it covers the wires so she will not get tangled in them. She sleeps behind the monitor while I am working on the computer and she is very comfortable now - and warm. Now my problem is I cannot really see her back there because the monitor is black, the CPU is black, the mat is black, and she is a black cat. I really have to look to see her back there. It is really hard to get a picture of her sleeping - she seems to know when I have the camera in hand.

Ember is the joy of my life and I don’t know what I would do without her. God has given us these little animals and put us in charge of them and we are to take care of them the way He takes care of us.

 "Cats are smarter than dogs. You'll never get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

"One reason a dog is such a comfort when you're feeling blue - he doesn't try to find out why."

"We allow friends into our company; we allow animals into our solitude."

"We can judge the heart of a man by the way he treats his animals."

"A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself."

I like pigs. 

Dogs look up to us. 

Cats look down on us. 

Pigs treat us as equals."

I hope that all of you have (or had) at least one little pet that brings joy, happiness and unconditional love to your life.

Cancer Blood Markers - January 2011

On January 5, 2011 (How can that be?), I had my blood drawn for my six-month blood markers for the endometrial cancer and the breast cancer. It takes a week to get the results so I kind of held my breath and said some extra prayers. On Wednesday evening I received the results of the CA 27-29 (breast cancer marker) and it had gone up a little. I did not receive the CA 125 (endometrial cancer) so I really started sweating and thinking something was really wrong. On Thursday evening I sent an email to my oncologist asking if there was a problem because I always get the results at the same time. Apparently the laboratory did not have enough reagents to run the CA 125 so it took a one-day longer. The office emailed me the results this morning and I finally took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

CA 27-29 is 28 (normal <=38 u/ml) 
                          - it was 23, six months ago after my surgery.

CA 125 is 15 (normal <=34 u/ml) 
                          - it was 12, six months ago.

Both test have come up a little but not enough to cause me concern just yet - well maybe a little. Sadly enough this whole thing is never out of my mind. It is strange how your life changes - you are not the same person that you used to be. When you look good and feel good people do expect you to be the old self you once were - but it just doesn't happen. I do try very hard not to let the cancer rule my life, but in all honesty I am sure that it does.


I will not have the PET scan done this time since the markers are below normal range. I have made the decision to wait another 6 months to see if the markers go up, down, or stay where they are.


I am far from being out of the woods, so please keep praying for strength, courage and peace of mind. 

“I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” 
                   ~Philippians 4:13

When I went on the cruise to Hawaii in 2006-2007, I purchased one of those oysters to get the pearl. I had a coupon and it cost me practically nothing. I don’t really remember the cost but my oyster had two perfectly sized pearls in it. I just kept them because I wanted earrings made. The following year for Christmas Laurie had the earrings made by one of her friends who is a jeweler. I really, really liked those earrings and wore them all the time. About 10-11 months ago I lost one of them. I felt like it had to be here in the apartment somewhere and I never quit looking for it. My one thought is that it possibly was vacuumed up – forever gone. Even with this thought in mind I would continue to look and pray about it – it had to be somewhere.

Today I pulled a Tupperware tub off the shelf that had my papers in. The shelf is actually level with my face. I was sitting on the floor and when I emptied the tub and put everything in another, larger tub, I got up to go to the kitchen and I looked down at the empty tub and there was something in the hollow handle of the tub. When I picked it up it was my pearl earring. All I could think to do was thank my God for keeping it safe for me. The last time I took that tub off the shelf was about 10-11 months ago at tax time.

“Prayers go up and blessings come down.” 
Yiddish Proverb

If you continue to only look for big blessings then you will miss out on the little everyday blessings. Some people just call them a coincidence.

Bill Keller, Televangelist, says, “If there is one thing the Bible clearly teaches, it is that there are NO coincidences with God.”

My blessings for 2010 are many. It is hard to recap all that has happened but most of the details are in my journal “My Blog”. Yes I do believe in miracles because I know that God is always in control. I have tried to remain faithful to Him but I know that I have failed miserably. Will God continue to bless me and give me more time here on earth? Only He can answer that question. As most of you already know, my favorite verse in the Bible that I cling to most is Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I struggle with knowing what His plan for my future might be.

I went into 2010 knowing that my cancer was spreading rapidly and that there was a good chance that this would be my last year. On February 5^th I had a repeat PET scan along with my blood marker. I was really dreading the call from my oncologist but when he called he said that my cancer was not active and explained that this did not mean that I was in remission. Praise God! I had another PET scan before my surgery and had the same results.

The breast cancer was questionable but the biopsy showed that cancer was still present. In June I had a right breast mastectomy. The drainage lasted much longer than I anticipated but that was because my surgeon took all of the lymph nodes. I am now doing fine with this new procedure when getting dressed - it just took time.

Two major surgeries in two years and my body is still rebelling. I feel good but I get tired so easily. My back is doing much better since I only wear anti-gravity shoes. It does not hurt nearly as much now unless I am standing a lot. Such a blessing – I am not really fond of pain.

I will schedule more blood test and another PET scan sometime this month so that I can see where the cancer is going – or, better yet, not going. 

Rebecca and I took a road trip this fall through southern Colorado and back up on the Utah side. We had a wonderful time. The fall colors were absolutely beautiful – and the mountains, what can I say.

My other two trips were to Omaha to be with my aunt, Sister Johanna, for her 50^th Jubilee in August and, of course, Christmas. Maybe Christmas in Omaha can become a tradition. I so love being with family for this holiday.


One of my most challenging and rewarding experiences was co-teaching a 6 week class, called  "First Principles". We had the opportunity to teach this class twice to spiritually thirsty women and they both were baptized before we finished the classes. Anita did the actual immersion for both women. Anita and I come from very different backgrounds. Anita's father was a pastor and I was raised Catholic. I must admit that this is something that I never thought I was capable of doing. It just shows one that you never know what God has planned for your life, so you need to take the time to listen to Him.

MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU IN 2011

Happy New Year

“The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours. No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen. And the fact that it practically always doesn't, matters not a jot. The possibility is always there.”  ~Monica Baldwin

Christmas in Omaha

I spent Christmas in Omaha again this year with, Sister Johanna (my aunt) and Sister Jeanne. Before you ask – no, there was no blizzard this year and the weather was pleasant – slightly colder than Denver. In fact, it was 40 degrees Thursday morning in Omaha when I left. The flight left on time and arrived in Denver 30 minutes early. I have not had that happen in the past. It started snowing shortly after I arrived and became Denver’s worst snowstorm of the season. Good thing I had an early flight. I knew the good weather would not last forever. It had been in the 50’s and 60’s the whole time I was gone.

It turned out to be a very sad time for the Mercy Community. One of Johanna’s dear friends was in a car crash. They think she must have had a massive heart attack. For those of you that know some of the sisters, Stella was one of the sisters that was with Johanna for their 50^th Jubilee. A few days later Sister Joan (pronounced JoAnn) died. She has fought a battle with cancer for 19 years and has been on Chemo every week for years for the liver cancer. She also was a very close friend and lived next door to Johanna and Jeanne. Sister Marie, who lives on their floor, stumbled over a rod sticking out from a snow removal. When she fell she broke her pelvis and has a couple of other fractures in her hip and leg. Then two other sisters being taken care of at the Villa also died. It was a very hectic two weeks for the sisters.

Johanna and Jeanne invited three other sisters for Christmas Eve Dinner and then on Christmas we went to Jeanne’s sister’s house in Iowa for a wonderful dinner.

20 ft live Poinsettia Tree - cranberries in the pool below - train tracks above and through the tree

Poinsettia tree - they were everwhere

We did have the opportunity to put the sadness aside for a couple of days and visited the Lauritzen Gardens, Omaha’s Botanical Center, on Sunday. It turned out to be free admission, which makes it that much better. It was the most beautiful display of Poinsettias that I have ever seen, over 5200 on display. The Poinsettias are changed every three weeks. The ones on the tree are on a wired frame. They have a very small person climb this cage, on the inside, and change out the Poinsettias. They had large train sets going all over the place and one was going right through the center of the tree. Sister Jeanne’s brother, Father Charlie, joined us and we had a wonderful lunch while we were there.

On Monday we went to the Historic General Dodge House in Council Bluffs for a private tour. It was absolutely beautiful and we were able to go clear up to the third floor, and then to the basement with its brick floor. The house was decorated for Christmas, which made it very special. One of Jeanne’s nieces went with us. 

On Tuesday Johanna and I met with some very special people to have lunch. Then on Wednesday we took a day of rest and stayed around the apartment. It was really nice down time. Thursday morning, bright and early, I flew home.

My little Ember was so glad to see me. After I got unpacked all she wanted to do is stay right with me. Every time I left the bedroom she would sit on the bed and call me back. I would lie down on the bed and she would lie on top of me. I was not getting out of her sight again. She has been right with me all day again today. What would I do without my little love? It was a wonderful welcome home.

"Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas." ~ Dale Evans

The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through.

Instead of throwing the man out, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the heater and warm up. "Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger. "I see you're busy, I'll just go."
 
"Not without something hot in your belly." George said.

He turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger. "It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew ... Made it myself. When you're done, there's coffee and it's fresh."

Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell. "Excuse me, be right back," George said. There in the driveway was an old '53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked. "Mister can you help me!" said the driver, with a deep Spanish accent. "My wife is with child and my car is broken." George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold, the car was dead.
 
"You ain't going in this thing," George said as he turned away.

"But Mister, please help ..." The door of the office closed behind George as he went inside. He went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building, opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting. "Here, take my truck," he said. "She ain't the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good."

George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. He turned and walked back inside the office.. "Glad I gave 'em the truck, their tires were shot too. That 'ol truck has brand new ." George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The Thermos was on the desk, empty, with a used coffee cup beside it. "Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought.

George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered the the block hadn't cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator. "Well, shoot, I can fix this," he said to
himself. So he put a new one on.

"Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car anyway.

As he was working, he heard shots being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Please help me."

George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention. "Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought. The uniform company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound. "Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin'," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease.

"Something for pain," George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. "These ought to work." He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills. "You hang in there, I'm going to get you an ambulance."

The phone was dead. "Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your car." He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio.

He went back in to find the policeman sitting up. "Thanks," said the officer. "You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area."

George sat down beside him, "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than what it is. Bullet passed right through 'ya.. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right as rain."

George got up and poured a cup of coffee. "How do you take it?" he asked.
 
"None for me," said the officer.
 
"Oh, yer gonna drink this.  Best in the city. Too bad I ain't got no donuts." The officer laughed and winced at the same time.

The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun. "Give me all your cash! Do it now!" the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before.

"That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer.

"Son, why are you doing this?" asked George, "You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt."

The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!"

The cop was reaching for his gun. "Put that thing away," George said to the cop, "we got one too many in here now."

He turned his attention to the young man. "Son, it's Christmas Eve. If you need money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got. Now put that pea shooter away."

George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry. "I'm not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job, my rent is due, my car got repossessed last week."

George handed the gun to the cop. "Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can."

He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. "Sometimes we do stupid things." George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Bein' stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out."

The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop. "Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry officer."
 
"Shut up and drink your coffee " the cop said.
 
George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn. "Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer.

"Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?"

"GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man.

Chuck answered him, "I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran."

George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other.

"That guy work here?" the wounded cop continued.
 
"Yep,"  George said, "just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job."

The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?"

Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas boy ... and you too, George, and thanks for everything."

"Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems."

George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box. "Here you go, something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day."

The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. "I can't take this," said the young man. "It means something to you."

"And now it means something to you," replied George. "I got my memories. That's all I need."

George reached into the box again. An airplane, a car and a truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. "Here's something for that little man of yours."

The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier.

"And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that too," George said. "Now git home to your family."

The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. "I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good."

"Nope. I'm closed Christmas day," George said. "See ya the day after."

George turned around to find that the stranger had returned. "Where'd you come from? I thought you left?"

"I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger. "You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?"

"Well, after my wife passed away, I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides I was gettin' a little chubby."

The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder. "But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor.

The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will make you a rich man and not take any for himself. "That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man."

George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And how do you know all this?" asked the old man.

"Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again."

The stranger moved toward the door. "If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned."

George watched as the old leather jacket and the torn pants that the stranger was wearing turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room.

"You see, George ... it's My birthday. Merry Christmas."

George fell to his knees and replied, "Happy Birthday, Lord Jesus"

Merry Christmas!!

This story is better than any greeting card.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS!

  

Happy Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving is just a week away and the time of year that people take inventory of all the things that have happened over the past year that they are thankful for. 

I, on the other hand, give thanks to my Glorious God every single day. The year has had its ups and downs but the most magnificent news was in February when they said that my endometrial cancer was not active. (They do not use the word remission, but I am okay with that.) I have decided to wait until after the New Year to have any more testing done to see where I am with the cancer.

I am thankful to all of my family and friends that continue to support me.  I am especially thankful to my dearest and best friend Rebecca. God put her in my life to help me through all of this. She is the sister that I never had. I cannot forget Laurie who also is like a sister and is always available to make me laugh and take care of my cats. I do not know what I would do without these wonderful women.

There are so many things that I am thankful for that it is impossible to list them all for fear the list would go on and on and on. I put on Facebook last week that I was thankful for every breath I take – and that still holds true.

I pray that your Thanksgiving is filled with the joys of family, touched by the beauty of friendship, and warmed with the blessings of the day.

“It is the duty of all Nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey his will, to be grateful for his benefits, and humbly to implore his protection and favor." 

~ George Washington